Tuesday, April 19, 2011
I Have Been Horribly Misinformed
Despite having to eat all eighteen hundred fifteen of my words, I am pleased to introduce the greatest thing I have seen in a long, long time.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
All we get is a Legend
I just beat The Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker, so.......
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All opinions are relative to personal interest: what I think is good isn't automatically good because I believe it to be so.
There are times though where quality can't be disputed:
------------------------------------------------------------------
All opinions are relative to personal interest: what I think is good isn't automatically good because I believe it to be so.
There are times though where quality can't be disputed:
The Legend of Zelda (TLOZ) is considered to be one of the greatest video game franchises of all time, and it would be next to impossible to argue against that. Not only have both the critics and fans spoken, but the numbers don't lie. TLOZ has sold roughly 60 million copies, covering 15 different games, and various different consoles. And while it may seem obvious to say that Nintendo finds this series to be one of their most important, it has a lot to compete with, mainly the Mario, Donkey Kong, and Metroid series. The importance of TLOZ lies in its characters, it's expansive environments, and the insoluble message that has been embedded in it's protagonists search for the all mighty Tri-Force: courage, wisdom, and power. The way I see it is that The Legend of Zelda is a light hearted hack-and-slash approach to learning some of life's most valuable lessons.
The greatness that is The Legend of Zelda is an idea that has never been tapped. The amazing story of Hyrule's Hero of Time, Link, saving Princess Zelda has spanned almost twenty five years, and to my knowledge Hollywood hasn't once taken any sort of stab at it. Shigeru Miyamoto, the genius behind many of Nintendo's biggest titles, including Zelda, was once quoted as saying "Why can't video games tell a story?" This quote is a bit outdated, twenty years in fact, but it makes me think further about the attitude of Hollywood. Why can't movies tell the the stories of video games? Especially a story such as this.
If all it were to take was for Hollywood to know that this idea was a shoe-in, one might as well look at the comparable relationship many factors of The Legend of Zelda has with other successful movies:
To start things off, the vast setting that occupies the legend of Zelda is as expansive as it gets. It has a little bit of everything from where a director could choose from forests, oceans, mountains, and valleys to have his story set in. Whether the director would choose to completely adapt one of the many games, or opt to write a new story, he would have a variety of locations to choose from. The Legend of Zelda is considered to be of the high-fantasy genre, a parallel of our earth, relatable to that of the world of J.R.R. Tolken: Middle Earth, the locale of The Lord of the Rings. LOTR has been one of the most successful adaptations of all-time, and while its eminence has largely to do with the master-authorship of Tolken, it was the film's stunning backdrops and visually captivating images that pulled in the audience from the beginning. Designer Miyamoto suggested that in the soon to be released The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword, his stylistic influence came from work of Claude Monet. The Legend of Zelda would undoubtedly be able to follow a similar directorial approach as the LOTR's in it's stunning scenes, and if not by anything else, attract audiences through it's visibly wonderful portraits.
Link as the game's protagonist comes as an iconic a role as the best of them; think Harry Potter but bigger. His childish demeanor, either as a youth or an adult, acts as a universal beacon of a spirited heart. His open eyes and childish grin, accompanied by the occasional yelp or sigh, creates a character not only lovable to mass audiences, but relatable in his disposition. And how could we forget his thought provoking catchphrase!? Along with all these mirthful character traits comes the toughest kick-butt attitude you've ever seen!...But honestly here, Link is a go-getter, and a fierce one at that. His strong moral fiber to do what is right, take down evil, and save all those who need saving is by far his most reputable characteristic. Physically equipped with various weapons and items, proficient in all, magical in some, and toting the mental stamina of Jeru the Damaja, Link can be considered not only the greatest of warriors, but the wisest of introverted extroverts. As the Hero of Time, Link is without knowing the significance of the tick of a clock. As we pass by, Link stays the same. And if Hollywood can't work with that I don't know what the fuck else to say.
And I won't get into any further than this, but having a supporting cast such as Princess Zelda, the fairest in all of Hyrule, and an opposition lead by the great power Ganondorf, the character dynamics are ripe for a deep-writing..........The classical story elements are all in place: a young man finds himself, discovers good and evil in the process, and is forced to rise to do what is right. A story neither over or under played, the perfect story: An adventure of the ages.
The Legend of Zelda series has been running for twenty five long years, and it's longevity will last longer than we know. As there have been fifteen games in total, Hollywood would have no issue contracting at least a trilogy of movies, thusly making mad cash and furious dough. If we're lucky, these movies won't be half bad in their production either. Every time the latest edition releases we won't have to drop our heads and sigh like the majority of us did during the new Transformers trailer, or maybe when we all found out about the idea of another three Pirates of the Caribbean movies. With it's long history, Zelda has acquired myriads of fans over the years, assuring that people young and old will show up for it's theatrical release. The younger kids, having spent countless hours playing Twilight Princess, learning to appreciate the relic that is Ocarina of Time, will be interested in seeing their favorite video game hero on the big screen. The older folks, remembering their days surrounded by Nintendo's and Super Nintendo's will obviously come a-running. Because deep down, everyone's a kid, right? Pulling the sword from the Temple of Time.
This is what I offer you, Hollywood. Can you not grasp it's glory?
Or maybe you're wiser than I thought.
Because in the end, I don't really believe that The Legend of Zelda would be a realistic idea for a movie. In fact, I'd go as for as to say that I don't even think it would be any good. Link is one hell of a guy, there's no arguing that. The guy rocks a cleverly thought out tunic, it's calm sway acting as a commentary on the unisex garments of the period, stabbing and killing all at the same time. But when playing these games what don't we ever get to hear from our fine hero? That's right, a fucking voice. I mean, sure, he makes noises, expressing himself in a way most people wouldn't even fucking understand, but that's not talking. For the most part he runs around interacting with whoever he wants to...refusing to make a goddamn sound. I mean, he uses a fair amount of hand gestures, so I guess that has got to mean something. And he blinks a lot too, he's constantly breathing, so perhaps combining all these things together leads to some sort of pre-oral communication system, but I don't know. What I do know is that a speechless leading role is going to be way harder to appropriate than even a character with Schwarzenegger like dialogue.
Anyone who has ever played a Zelda game knows what the "hero" is actually like. Sure, Link is cast in a heroic light, ultimately completing a quest that few could fathom, but pushing all that aside, one will find where the real Link resides. This is the Link that Hollywood would be left to work with. Imagine this: The Legend of Zelda, the movie, run time of roughly two and a half hours, an epic journey filled with heart-pounding adventure, coquettish romance, and a booming soundtrack...half of which follows Link smashing every fucking pot Hyrule has to offer. Can you picture that? A movie focused on some guys fucking OCD smashing everyones pots. I swear, the better part of The Ocarina of Time consists of entering someones home and well before you even acknowledge the resident's right to personal property, there's broken porcelain strewn all over the floor, and a raving Link scavenging for the loose rupees. It's havoc; a movie can't work with that. I'm fully surprised that the NPC's in these games put up with Link's shit. At this point the pot count must be reaching into the millions. I would completely understand if the folk of Hyrule made a unanimous decision to toss out Link and fend for themselves, thats your shit he's braking! Come on, Link, get your act together!
Realism is not one of The Legend of Zelda's strong suits. Fantasy isn't anything new in the realm of main stream film, enough people are comfortable following fantastic plots that they would be willing to suspend their disbelief for the sake of Zelda, but this is not the realism I am referring too. It would be an understatement to say that Link enjoys rolling. I mean, when your main source of transportations is rolling, I don't even know how to describe one's enjoyment of that. Link has mastered the roll in a way in which it makes him faster than if he were running. I know, you know, the use of the roll is paramount in the newer Zelda games, it is movement. While I don't doubt that the opening scene to the Zelda movie would be fucking genius mind blowing, a helicopter shot following Link from high above, zooming in causally as these certain scenes always do, him literally barreling through a grassy valley, a constant stream of rolls keeping his speed well above forty kilometres an hour, fucking triumphant, tear-shedding, Japanese National Anthem, Koji Kondo crafted love ballad. Despite that, despite all that I just don't see it going anywhere. I don't even think rolling up and down stairs is physically possible.
So yeah, Hollywood, your call. As much as we'd all love to see Link tear some shit up, Zelda included, these kind of shenanigans may or may not be applicable to the silver screen. And if you decide just to scrap the whole idea, you can always re-release the old TV show.
As I discussed last week, the video game industry is teaming with potential movie ideas. Although things like The Super Mario Bros. have bombed both critically and within the box office, I expressed my unyielding belief in the successful possibilities that video games have.
The greatness that is The Legend of Zelda is an idea that has never been tapped. The amazing story of Hyrule's Hero of Time, Link, saving Princess Zelda has spanned almost twenty five years, and to my knowledge Hollywood hasn't once taken any sort of stab at it. Shigeru Miyamoto, the genius behind many of Nintendo's biggest titles, including Zelda, was once quoted as saying "Why can't video games tell a story?" This quote is a bit outdated, twenty years in fact, but it makes me think further about the attitude of Hollywood. Why can't movies tell the the stories of video games? Especially a story such as this.
If all it were to take was for Hollywood to know that this idea was a shoe-in, one might as well look at the comparable relationship many factors of The Legend of Zelda has with other successful movies:
To start things off, the vast setting that occupies the legend of Zelda is as expansive as it gets. It has a little bit of everything from where a director could choose from forests, oceans, mountains, and valleys to have his story set in. Whether the director would choose to completely adapt one of the many games, or opt to write a new story, he would have a variety of locations to choose from. The Legend of Zelda is considered to be of the high-fantasy genre, a parallel of our earth, relatable to that of the world of J.R.R. Tolken: Middle Earth, the locale of The Lord of the Rings. LOTR has been one of the most successful adaptations of all-time, and while its eminence has largely to do with the master-authorship of Tolken, it was the film's stunning backdrops and visually captivating images that pulled in the audience from the beginning. Designer Miyamoto suggested that in the soon to be released The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword, his stylistic influence came from work of Claude Monet. The Legend of Zelda would undoubtedly be able to follow a similar directorial approach as the LOTR's in it's stunning scenes, and if not by anything else, attract audiences through it's visibly wonderful portraits.
Link as the game's protagonist comes as an iconic a role as the best of them; think Harry Potter but bigger. His childish demeanor, either as a youth or an adult, acts as a universal beacon of a spirited heart. His open eyes and childish grin, accompanied by the occasional yelp or sigh, creates a character not only lovable to mass audiences, but relatable in his disposition. And how could we forget his thought provoking catchphrase!? Along with all these mirthful character traits comes the toughest kick-butt attitude you've ever seen!...But honestly here, Link is a go-getter, and a fierce one at that. His strong moral fiber to do what is right, take down evil, and save all those who need saving is by far his most reputable characteristic. Physically equipped with various weapons and items, proficient in all, magical in some, and toting the mental stamina of Jeru the Damaja, Link can be considered not only the greatest of warriors, but the wisest of introverted extroverts. As the Hero of Time, Link is without knowing the significance of the tick of a clock. As we pass by, Link stays the same. And if Hollywood can't work with that I don't know what the fuck else to say.
And I won't get into any further than this, but having a supporting cast such as Princess Zelda, the fairest in all of Hyrule, and an opposition lead by the great power Ganondorf, the character dynamics are ripe for a deep-writing..........The classical story elements are all in place: a young man finds himself, discovers good and evil in the process, and is forced to rise to do what is right. A story neither over or under played, the perfect story: An adventure of the ages.
The Legend of Zelda series has been running for twenty five long years, and it's longevity will last longer than we know. As there have been fifteen games in total, Hollywood would have no issue contracting at least a trilogy of movies, thusly making mad cash and furious dough. If we're lucky, these movies won't be half bad in their production either. Every time the latest edition releases we won't have to drop our heads and sigh like the majority of us did during the new Transformers trailer, or maybe when we all found out about the idea of another three Pirates of the Caribbean movies. With it's long history, Zelda has acquired myriads of fans over the years, assuring that people young and old will show up for it's theatrical release. The younger kids, having spent countless hours playing Twilight Princess, learning to appreciate the relic that is Ocarina of Time, will be interested in seeing their favorite video game hero on the big screen. The older folks, remembering their days surrounded by Nintendo's and Super Nintendo's will obviously come a-running. Because deep down, everyone's a kid, right? Pulling the sword from the Temple of Time.
This is what I offer you, Hollywood. Can you not grasp it's glory?
Or maybe you're wiser than I thought.
Because in the end, I don't really believe that The Legend of Zelda would be a realistic idea for a movie. In fact, I'd go as for as to say that I don't even think it would be any good. Link is one hell of a guy, there's no arguing that. The guy rocks a cleverly thought out tunic, it's calm sway acting as a commentary on the unisex garments of the period, stabbing and killing all at the same time. But when playing these games what don't we ever get to hear from our fine hero? That's right, a fucking voice. I mean, sure, he makes noises, expressing himself in a way most people wouldn't even fucking understand, but that's not talking. For the most part he runs around interacting with whoever he wants to...refusing to make a goddamn sound. I mean, he uses a fair amount of hand gestures, so I guess that has got to mean something. And he blinks a lot too, he's constantly breathing, so perhaps combining all these things together leads to some sort of pre-oral communication system, but I don't know. What I do know is that a speechless leading role is going to be way harder to appropriate than even a character with Schwarzenegger like dialogue.
Anyone who has ever played a Zelda game knows what the "hero" is actually like. Sure, Link is cast in a heroic light, ultimately completing a quest that few could fathom, but pushing all that aside, one will find where the real Link resides. This is the Link that Hollywood would be left to work with. Imagine this: The Legend of Zelda, the movie, run time of roughly two and a half hours, an epic journey filled with heart-pounding adventure, coquettish romance, and a booming soundtrack...half of which follows Link smashing every fucking pot Hyrule has to offer. Can you picture that? A movie focused on some guys fucking OCD smashing everyones pots. I swear, the better part of The Ocarina of Time consists of entering someones home and well before you even acknowledge the resident's right to personal property, there's broken porcelain strewn all over the floor, and a raving Link scavenging for the loose rupees. It's havoc; a movie can't work with that. I'm fully surprised that the NPC's in these games put up with Link's shit. At this point the pot count must be reaching into the millions. I would completely understand if the folk of Hyrule made a unanimous decision to toss out Link and fend for themselves, thats your shit he's braking! Come on, Link, get your act together!
Realism is not one of The Legend of Zelda's strong suits. Fantasy isn't anything new in the realm of main stream film, enough people are comfortable following fantastic plots that they would be willing to suspend their disbelief for the sake of Zelda, but this is not the realism I am referring too. It would be an understatement to say that Link enjoys rolling. I mean, when your main source of transportations is rolling, I don't even know how to describe one's enjoyment of that. Link has mastered the roll in a way in which it makes him faster than if he were running. I know, you know, the use of the roll is paramount in the newer Zelda games, it is movement. While I don't doubt that the opening scene to the Zelda movie would be fucking genius mind blowing, a helicopter shot following Link from high above, zooming in causally as these certain scenes always do, him literally barreling through a grassy valley, a constant stream of rolls keeping his speed well above forty kilometres an hour, fucking triumphant, tear-shedding, Japanese National Anthem, Koji Kondo crafted love ballad. Despite that, despite all that I just don't see it going anywhere. I don't even think rolling up and down stairs is physically possible.
So yeah, Hollywood, your call. As much as we'd all love to see Link tear some shit up, Zelda included, these kind of shenanigans may or may not be applicable to the silver screen. And if you decide just to scrap the whole idea, you can always re-release the old TV show.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Movie Making Part Three: Where Dreams Go to Die
Yeah, I skipped the second section, so what? I was getting so fucking fed up trying to properly articulate what I was trying to write that I decided to just scrap it. It's still sitting there in the 'Edit Post' section, I can come back to it later if I want. But I doubt I will.
So here it is---------------------------------------------->
The video game industry is a booming market: not only are they constantly innovating technology at a pace that few can keep up with, but the amount of original ideas being produced within is a little nutty. This being said, one must take into account that video game companies have the freedom to be a little more out there than other industries. They're catering to such a large demographic that the created ideas cannot all be one dimensional, some must be multidimensional, and others must be completely goat shit insane. It would seem that many game developers approach their creations with little to no discretion, throwing whatever crosses their mind into the mix. Sometimes this works, sometimes it doesn't; some games are so significant they find a place within culture, others, well, are left to be pooed on by most people. To make a game that transcends the very idea of video games is what I see as the ultimate win for any developer.
And this is where Hollywood should start opening their fucking ears. Adaptations of books and other forms of media are commonly the most popular, most successful movies made. While on occasion I have a problem with Hollywood's lack of originality, there really is nothing I can say or do about it, so why not endorse this very same thing? Video games are a Hollywood gold mine. And it's obvious that movie execs understand this, gaming is impossible to ignore. All the people playing video games are all watching movies too. But producers and the rest of the Tinseltown in crowd are just too pussy to really get knee deep in this shit. Nonetheless, I understand their fear. With history as my evidence, video game adaptations have been proper fuck ups in the past.
Example one, brief, but solid. Hitman, developed by IO Interactive, this popular game franchise follows the killer exploits of genetically modified super bad ass Agent 47. Honestly, this bald motherfucker, Agent 47, was pretty much the pinnacle of my personal bad assery growing up. He had everything: guns, attitude, a trim suit. The only thing he wasn't equipped with was a full head of hair and a properly developed emotional core. With me as his navigator, he fucking ran shit on the Nintendo Gamecube.
Cue meddling Hollywood movie producers. With Hitman becoming a huge hit across many gaming platforms, the film industry saw an opportunity to make a little coin without producing even a smidgen of creative output. Why not just steal this idea? We pay them, we make money, double advertising ploy, everyone wins! No, I'm sorry, but no, this isn't the way it works. Movies don't make themselves, it takes effort and a little bit of intelligence.
First off, do not hire French director Xavier Gens. Yes, I know, his name is Xavier, very cool. But just because he was named after a psychic, bald genius does not make him the correct choice. Did the producers even bother to do a background check, maybe a quick IMDB look up? This guy had only directed a bunch of fucking French shorts, and one god damned French TV episode. Not the best resume when you're looking to make a proper film. No, not at all. Secondly, Timothy Olyphant as Agent 47. Probably a good try, I say probably because I really don't know who would have been better. Probably should have taken a no name actor, but that's just me. Olyphant was good enough, he followed the Frenchman's erratic direction, pulling the trigger when he had too and...reloading the Double Ballers when he had to. I mean, FUCK, the guns were called Double 'Fucking Tight' Ballers, how does Hollywood take that and fuck it up? It's hard to say, really. My best guess is that Xavier sat down and played Hitman for around fifteen minutes. He skipped all the tutorial, story garbage and got right into the thick of it, shooting his pistols and slashing his knife, believing he understood what the game was all about. I'm sorry, but you have appeared to miss the mark. Just because you're adapting a video game does not mean you have to stay so true to it that you forget to leave out a story. I mean, come on. It's called an adaptation for a reason.
Phew, sorry, that was a bit much. Not as brief as I would have hoped.
This article would be incomplete without mentioning the grandfather of all video games, and the movie that was made about it. As I'm sure it has already crossed your mind, I will just come out and say it:
Super Mario Bro's.
The reason I completely understand Hollywood's woes in producing video game adaptations stems directly from this, the king of all backfires. Super Mario Bro's, made in 1993, is loosely based on the biggest video game series of all time, Super Mario. I can safely say that a person who doesn't know who Mario is either an infant or mentally incapable. Mario is honestly one of the most famous people on the planet, and his presence is felt everywhere. We've taken him on adventures, driven cars with him, played golf and taken him to the Olympics, learned to paint, and ultimately become better people because of all of this. Mario, and his retard brother Luigi, have played roles in more lives than not. He's the reason any person becomes a plumber, and why all basketball player's have hops, because their main man Mario has led the way, he's been trailblazing since day one. And because they decided to make a movie about him and his exploits pretty much at the beginning of film itself, they forgot to do him justice.
I had to sit down and watch it again to realize what this thing actually was. You can't talk about this movie and just try to vaguely piece together what actually happened, you need to experience it to really know what's going on. The best realization I had about this movie was that it seems to be the first adaptation that really darkens the original material, trying to make it seem more realistic. Way before Batman Begins, or the Hulk, or any of those realistic super hero movies, was Super Mario Bro's. It's Mario and Luigi, two Italian bums, barely getting by, fixing water pipes, pretty much living in their own filth as they hover just about the poverty line. They're nobodies, no Mushroom Kingdom, just living in New York. Where are the mushrooms? The go-karts? The tennis? There nowhere, that's where. Warp that into your green pipe and smoke it. Your childhood just got shit on.
All of the villains in this movie look like they've been sculpted out of feces. Honestly, this is what a Goomba looks like: a shit head. Since when was a Goomba a seven foot tall over baked, sun tan victim? If I recall correctly they were supposed to resemble a mushroom, an evil mushroom. Instead, they completely changed the entire idea behind them and turned them into "de-evolved" humans, not shiitake mushrooms at all! Good God, what have you done! The Goomba as a species "is considered one of the most iconic elements of the Mario series" (wiki), described as the "everyman." Are you hearing this?! What have you done to the everyman? We as gamers are the everyman, and honestly, I don't feel properly represented by this prairie dog.
Super Mario Bro's had a lot of things going for it. It had the history, it had the characters, it had the fan base, it even had a solid cast. Although Dennis Hopper, who played Bowser, never properly embodied the King of Evil, he's a pretty nasty guy: it sort of worked. Mario and Luigi were portrayed by Bob Huskins and John Leguizamo, and they pulled it off. They had chemistry, they seemed like brothers, maybe not Mario Brothers, but definitely some dead beat Italian brothers who got thrown into some crazy, bad mushroom trip, shit. But all this wasn't enough to salvage everyone's favorite plumber's movie career. He was slighted, incredibly, by all those foolish individuals up in the Hollywood Hills. They couldn't even credit his name correctly. Mario Mario? Luigi Mario? Their last fucking name is not Mario, my God. Although at times this information has seemed a bit hazy, Nintendo officially has never released a last name for the two brothers. But! They have gone out of their way to state that their last god damn fucking name is not Mario. How stupid!
Alright, I'm sorry, I can't continue. Ranting does no justice; watch the movie, hate everything the earth has ever produced because of it.
If you read the first part of this article you may be thinking that I'm a bit of a hypocrite, that I'm critiquing for the sake of critiquing. The thing is i'm not. Bottom line, this movie is legitimately bad. Second, they fucked Mario in the ass!
Hollywood, despite all this, I'd really appreciate you giving the video game industry another go. There is so much out there that would fill seats, I promise you, you'll make money.
And if you're smart about it, you might help that game transcend video games all together.
So here it is---------------------------------------------->
The video game industry is a booming market: not only are they constantly innovating technology at a pace that few can keep up with, but the amount of original ideas being produced within is a little nutty. This being said, one must take into account that video game companies have the freedom to be a little more out there than other industries. They're catering to such a large demographic that the created ideas cannot all be one dimensional, some must be multidimensional, and others must be completely goat shit insane. It would seem that many game developers approach their creations with little to no discretion, throwing whatever crosses their mind into the mix. Sometimes this works, sometimes it doesn't; some games are so significant they find a place within culture, others, well, are left to be pooed on by most people. To make a game that transcends the very idea of video games is what I see as the ultimate win for any developer.
And this is where Hollywood should start opening their fucking ears. Adaptations of books and other forms of media are commonly the most popular, most successful movies made. While on occasion I have a problem with Hollywood's lack of originality, there really is nothing I can say or do about it, so why not endorse this very same thing? Video games are a Hollywood gold mine. And it's obvious that movie execs understand this, gaming is impossible to ignore. All the people playing video games are all watching movies too. But producers and the rest of the Tinseltown in crowd are just too pussy to really get knee deep in this shit. Nonetheless, I understand their fear. With history as my evidence, video game adaptations have been proper fuck ups in the past.
Example one, brief, but solid. Hitman, developed by IO Interactive, this popular game franchise follows the killer exploits of genetically modified super bad ass Agent 47. Honestly, this bald motherfucker, Agent 47, was pretty much the pinnacle of my personal bad assery growing up. He had everything: guns, attitude, a trim suit. The only thing he wasn't equipped with was a full head of hair and a properly developed emotional core. With me as his navigator, he fucking ran shit on the Nintendo Gamecube.
Cue meddling Hollywood movie producers. With Hitman becoming a huge hit across many gaming platforms, the film industry saw an opportunity to make a little coin without producing even a smidgen of creative output. Why not just steal this idea? We pay them, we make money, double advertising ploy, everyone wins! No, I'm sorry, but no, this isn't the way it works. Movies don't make themselves, it takes effort and a little bit of intelligence.
First off, do not hire French director Xavier Gens. Yes, I know, his name is Xavier, very cool. But just because he was named after a psychic, bald genius does not make him the correct choice. Did the producers even bother to do a background check, maybe a quick IMDB look up? This guy had only directed a bunch of fucking French shorts, and one god damned French TV episode. Not the best resume when you're looking to make a proper film. No, not at all. Secondly, Timothy Olyphant as Agent 47. Probably a good try, I say probably because I really don't know who would have been better. Probably should have taken a no name actor, but that's just me. Olyphant was good enough, he followed the Frenchman's erratic direction, pulling the trigger when he had too and...reloading the Double Ballers when he had to. I mean, FUCK, the guns were called Double 'Fucking Tight' Ballers, how does Hollywood take that and fuck it up? It's hard to say, really. My best guess is that Xavier sat down and played Hitman for around fifteen minutes. He skipped all the tutorial, story garbage and got right into the thick of it, shooting his pistols and slashing his knife, believing he understood what the game was all about. I'm sorry, but you have appeared to miss the mark. Just because you're adapting a video game does not mean you have to stay so true to it that you forget to leave out a story. I mean, come on. It's called an adaptation for a reason.
Phew, sorry, that was a bit much. Not as brief as I would have hoped.
This article would be incomplete without mentioning the grandfather of all video games, and the movie that was made about it. As I'm sure it has already crossed your mind, I will just come out and say it:
Super Mario Bro's.
The reason I completely understand Hollywood's woes in producing video game adaptations stems directly from this, the king of all backfires. Super Mario Bro's, made in 1993, is loosely based on the biggest video game series of all time, Super Mario. I can safely say that a person who doesn't know who Mario is either an infant or mentally incapable. Mario is honestly one of the most famous people on the planet, and his presence is felt everywhere. We've taken him on adventures, driven cars with him, played golf and taken him to the Olympics, learned to paint, and ultimately become better people because of all of this. Mario, and his retard brother Luigi, have played roles in more lives than not. He's the reason any person becomes a plumber, and why all basketball player's have hops, because their main man Mario has led the way, he's been trailblazing since day one. And because they decided to make a movie about him and his exploits pretty much at the beginning of film itself, they forgot to do him justice.
I had to sit down and watch it again to realize what this thing actually was. You can't talk about this movie and just try to vaguely piece together what actually happened, you need to experience it to really know what's going on. The best realization I had about this movie was that it seems to be the first adaptation that really darkens the original material, trying to make it seem more realistic. Way before Batman Begins, or the Hulk, or any of those realistic super hero movies, was Super Mario Bro's. It's Mario and Luigi, two Italian bums, barely getting by, fixing water pipes, pretty much living in their own filth as they hover just about the poverty line. They're nobodies, no Mushroom Kingdom, just living in New York. Where are the mushrooms? The go-karts? The tennis? There nowhere, that's where. Warp that into your green pipe and smoke it. Your childhood just got shit on.
All of the villains in this movie look like they've been sculpted out of feces. Honestly, this is what a Goomba looks like: a shit head. Since when was a Goomba a seven foot tall over baked, sun tan victim? If I recall correctly they were supposed to resemble a mushroom, an evil mushroom. Instead, they completely changed the entire idea behind them and turned them into "de-evolved" humans, not shiitake mushrooms at all! Good God, what have you done! The Goomba as a species "is considered one of the most iconic elements of the Mario series" (wiki), described as the "everyman." Are you hearing this?! What have you done to the everyman? We as gamers are the everyman, and honestly, I don't feel properly represented by this prairie dog.
Super Mario Bro's had a lot of things going for it. It had the history, it had the characters, it had the fan base, it even had a solid cast. Although Dennis Hopper, who played Bowser, never properly embodied the King of Evil, he's a pretty nasty guy: it sort of worked. Mario and Luigi were portrayed by Bob Huskins and John Leguizamo, and they pulled it off. They had chemistry, they seemed like brothers, maybe not Mario Brothers, but definitely some dead beat Italian brothers who got thrown into some crazy, bad mushroom trip, shit. But all this wasn't enough to salvage everyone's favorite plumber's movie career. He was slighted, incredibly, by all those foolish individuals up in the Hollywood Hills. They couldn't even credit his name correctly. Mario Mario? Luigi Mario? Their last fucking name is not Mario, my God. Although at times this information has seemed a bit hazy, Nintendo officially has never released a last name for the two brothers. But! They have gone out of their way to state that their last god damn fucking name is not Mario. How stupid!
Alright, I'm sorry, I can't continue. Ranting does no justice; watch the movie, hate everything the earth has ever produced because of it.
If you read the first part of this article you may be thinking that I'm a bit of a hypocrite, that I'm critiquing for the sake of critiquing. The thing is i'm not. Bottom line, this movie is legitimately bad. Second, they fucked Mario in the ass!
Hollywood, despite all this, I'd really appreciate you giving the video game industry another go. There is so much out there that would fill seats, I promise you, you'll make money.
And if you're smart about it, you might help that game transcend video games all together.
Indian Warrior
It's an early Wednesday morning, as you can see: 12:57 AM. I'm watching Game Show Network, as I always do. Card Sharks, mediocre high-low game that was aired for a span over twenty years. Nothing too exciting is occurring...until...Dilanjan!
Friday, April 1, 2011
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