Movie Making Part Three: Where Dreams Go to Die

Yeah, I skipped the second section, so what? I was getting so fucking fed up trying to properly articulate what I was trying to write that I decided to just scrap it. It's still sitting there in the 'Edit Post' section, I can come back to it later if I want. But I doubt I will.

So here it is---------------------------------------------->

The video game industry is a booming market: not only are they constantly innovating technology at a pace that few can keep up with, but the amount of original ideas being produced within is a little nutty. This being said, one must take into account that video game companies have the freedom to be a little more out there than other industries. They're catering to such a large demographic that the created ideas cannot all be one dimensional, some must be multidimensional, and others must be completely goat shit insane. It would seem that many game developers approach their creations with little to no discretion, throwing whatever crosses their mind into the mix. Sometimes this works, sometimes it doesn't; some games are so significant they find a place within culture, others, well, are left to be pooed on by most people. To make a game that transcends the very idea of video games is what I see as the ultimate win for any developer.

And this is where Hollywood should start opening their fucking ears. Adaptations of books and other forms of media are commonly the most popular, most successful movies made. While on occasion I have a problem with Hollywood's lack of originality, there really is nothing I can say or do about it, so why not endorse this very same thing? Video games are a Hollywood gold mine. And it's obvious that movie execs understand this, gaming is impossible to ignore. All the people playing video games are all watching movies too. But producers and the rest of the Tinseltown in crowd are just too pussy to really get knee deep in this shit. Nonetheless, I understand their fear. With history as my evidence, video game adaptations have been proper fuck ups in the past.

Example one, brief, but solid. Hitman, developed by IO Interactive, this popular game franchise follows the killer exploits of genetically modified super bad ass Agent 47. Honestly, this bald motherfucker, Agent 47, was pretty much the pinnacle of my personal bad assery growing up. He had everything: guns, attitude, a trim suit. The only thing he wasn't equipped with was a full head of hair and a properly developed emotional core. With me as his navigator, he fucking ran shit on the Nintendo Gamecube.

Cue meddling Hollywood movie producers. With Hitman becoming a huge hit across many gaming platforms, the film industry saw an opportunity to make a little coin without producing even a smidgen of creative output. Why not just steal this idea? We pay them, we make money, double advertising ploy, everyone wins! No, I'm sorry, but no, this isn't the way it works. Movies don't make themselves, it takes effort and a little bit of intelligence.

First off, do not hire French director Xavier Gens. Yes, I know, his name is Xavier, very cool. But just because he was named after a psychic, bald genius does not make him the correct choice. Did the producers even bother to do a background check, maybe a quick IMDB look up? This guy had only directed a bunch of fucking French shorts, and one god damned French TV episode. Not the best resume when you're looking to make a proper film. No, not at all. Secondly, Timothy Olyphant as Agent 47. Probably a good try, I say probably because I really don't know who would have been better. Probably should have taken a no name actor, but that's just me. Olyphant was good enough, he followed the Frenchman's erratic direction, pulling the trigger when he had too and...reloading the Double Ballers when he had to. I mean, FUCK, the guns were called Double 'Fucking Tight' Ballers, how does Hollywood take that and fuck it up? It's hard to say, really. My best guess is that Xavier sat down and played Hitman for around fifteen minutes. He skipped all the tutorial, story garbage and got right into the thick of it, shooting his pistols and slashing his knife, believing he understood what the game was all about. I'm sorry, but you have appeared to miss the mark. Just because you're adapting a video game does not mean you have to stay so true to it that you forget to leave out a story. I mean, come on. It's called an adaptation for a reason.

Phew, sorry, that was a bit much. Not as brief as I would have hoped.

This article would be incomplete without mentioning the grandfather of all video games, and the movie that was made about it. As I'm sure it has already crossed your mind, I will just come out and say it:

Super Mario Bro's.

The reason I completely understand Hollywood's woes in producing video game adaptations stems directly from this, the king of all backfires. Super Mario Bro's, made in 1993, is loosely based on the biggest video game series of all time, Super Mario. I can safely say that a person who doesn't know who Mario is either an infant or mentally incapable. Mario is honestly one of the most famous people on the planet, and his presence is felt everywhere. We've taken him on adventures, driven cars with him, played golf and taken him to the Olympics, learned to paint, and ultimately become better people because of all of this. Mario, and his retard brother Luigi, have played roles in more lives than not. He's the reason any person becomes a plumber, and why all basketball player's have hops, because their main man Mario has led the way, he's been trailblazing since day one. And because they decided to make a movie about him and his exploits pretty much at the beginning of film itself, they forgot to do him justice.

I had to sit down and watch it again to realize what this thing actually was. You can't talk about this movie and just try to vaguely piece together what actually happened, you need to experience it to really know what's going on. The best realization I had about this movie was that it seems to be the first adaptation that really darkens the original material, trying to make it seem more realistic. Way before Batman Begins, or the Hulk, or any of those realistic super hero movies, was Super Mario Bro's. It's Mario and Luigi, two Italian bums, barely getting by, fixing water pipes, pretty much living in their own filth as they hover just about the poverty line. They're nobodies, no Mushroom Kingdom, just living in New York. Where are the mushrooms? The go-karts? The tennis? There nowhere, that's where. Warp that into your green pipe and smoke it. Your childhood just got shit on.

All of the villains in this movie look like they've been sculpted out of feces. Honestly, this is what a Goomba looks like: a shit head. Since when was a Goomba a seven foot tall over baked, sun tan victim? If I recall correctly they were supposed to resemble a mushroom, an evil mushroom. Instead, they completely changed the entire idea behind them and turned them into "de-evolved" humans, not shiitake mushrooms at all! Good God, what have you done! The Goomba as a species "is considered one of the most iconic elements of the Mario series" (wiki), described as the "everyman." Are you hearing this?! What have you done to the everyman? We as gamers are the everyman, and honestly, I don't feel properly represented by this prairie dog.

Super Mario Bro's had a lot of things going for it. It had the history, it had the characters, it had the fan base, it even had a solid cast. Although Dennis Hopper, who played Bowser, never properly embodied the King of Evil, he's a pretty nasty guy: it sort of worked. Mario and Luigi were portrayed by Bob Huskins and John Leguizamo, and they pulled it off. They had chemistry, they seemed like brothers, maybe not Mario Brothers, but definitely some dead beat Italian brothers who got thrown into some crazy, bad mushroom trip, shit. But all this wasn't enough to salvage everyone's favorite plumber's movie career. He was slighted, incredibly, by all those foolish individuals up in the Hollywood Hills. They couldn't even credit his name correctly. Mario Mario? Luigi Mario? Their last fucking name is not Mario, my God. Although at times this information has seemed a bit hazy, Nintendo officially has never released a last name for the two brothers. But! They have gone out of their way to state that their last god damn fucking name is not Mario. How stupid!

Alright, I'm sorry, I can't continue. Ranting does no justice; watch the movie, hate everything the earth has ever produced because of it.

If you read the first part of this article you may be thinking that I'm a bit of a hypocrite, that I'm critiquing for the sake of critiquing. The thing is i'm not. Bottom line, this movie is legitimately bad. Second, they fucked Mario in the ass!

Hollywood, despite all this, I'd really appreciate you giving the video game industry another go. There is so much out there that would fill seats, I promise you, you'll make money.

 And if you're smart about it, you might help that game transcend video games all together.